Living positively

My life had been changed a lot since I found out that I’m HIV positive. The good thing is, the change is not directed towards the negative way. I’m also quite surprised that I didn’t get into that so-called-mushy phase that all women [even men!] were getting. Maybe because I have different principle, I always thought from the first time, that being mushy, depressed as well as questioning “why me?’ will not make my result changed to ‘non-reactive’. I will be still positive, so why bother?

When I work as a Case Manager, I assisted many clients who were newly diagnosed and very much depressed. I tried so hard to make them understand that it is such a useless attitude. I opened my status to all my clients, and show them how healthy and happy I am, hoping that they will do the same as I did. But, it’s a matter of privacy. As long as they don’t accept their condition, then it’s hard.

For me, being HIV positive had opened so many doors and opportunities. I got so many chances to learn through various workshop which are exclusively only for HIV positive people. And most of my workshops are regional, so it took place in other country. Also I got chances to be speaker in various events, meet new people, became a member of new networks and able to expand. Some of my friends always send me envious messages, saying how lucky I am to be able to travel and work at the same time. They are always waiting for my latest posting in this blog or new picture posted in friendster, just to keep track on me. After all, they are happy for me.

There were times when all my friends thought that I should be resting a lot. That was what they were thinking when I was resigning from my previous company. That I had to rest. But when they found out about my new job and how frequent I traveled, they were amazed. How can a positive person traveling so much…? Well, don’t mind them. They just don’t really understand the real situation of a positive person. But they finally realized that being HIV positive, I can be as much productive as they are, even more! And I’m proud enough to show them that I am still productive and been traveling 9 times a year. Something that I wouldn’t be able to do so if I’m still working in private sector.

I recall my chat with one of my friend back in 2004. He was an NGO worker, and every time we chat, he was always somewhere. Either Thailand, China, France or other part of the world. And he was always sharing the stories that he was attending this meeting, that workshop. I was amazed at that time and thought, “This is the kind of job that I’ve always wanted. A job that enables me to travel and work at the same time.” I always told him that I wanted to be like him, and he always told me that I should be able to do it someday. And just last week, I chatted again with him via YM. It’s been a long time since the last time we chatted, but to my surprise, he kept track on me through my blog. He told me that he had never failed in ‘reading’ someone, in this case, me. He said that he’s so happy and proud of me because finally I made my way to work in an NGO and able to travel and work at the same time. Just like he did! And even better, now we can share something in common because we’re both working in an NGO.

One of my best friends asked me once, “Have you ever been discriminated or stigmatized because of your status?”. I said, “No”. Maybe I have, but I didn’t realize it. For sure, my friends, none of them changed the relationship after I told them about my status. I opened my status to anyone I want. And should there be any changes after I told them, I just consider they don’t like me. Everybody has the right to like and dislike other people, and should it happen to me, I’m not in the position to complain. I just have to respect their decision. That’s it! It’s that simple and it makes my life lighter. I am not haunted by the negative accusation to people around me. I am fully aware that most of the time those who are positive did the most discrimination and stigmatization against their surrounding or even worse, against themselves. They always think that people will discriminate them, but they never tried to open before they have that conclusion. Doesn’t it mean that they had stigmatized people around them? I don’t recall any discrimination or stigmatization after I told people about my status. It’s the openness that we need to be accepted. To fight stigma and discrimination, I have to be open to my surrounding. And it works! In my opinion, the more people hear the word “HIV positive” and see HIV positive person [in healthy condition], the more they got familiar with the issue, thus the more they accept us. I don’t agree with all the confidentiality and discreet in HIV. It makes people scared because it’s so well-hidden. Why can’t HIV treated as other disease? Openly. So, that people got used to it and don’t consider it as something deadly. It’s not deadlier than diabetic, heart disease, stroke or asthma. For me, bird flu is way much scarier than HIV. People died within a week from bird flu! Isn’t that what we should call “deadly”?

So, being HIV positive isn’t that bad at all! I feel it personally, if I accept my condition humbly, without blaming whoever inherit it to me, I will get the redemptions twice or even hundreds of time as much in return. And I have proven that my principle is right! For me, this virus is a blessing in disguise. Something that I shouldn’t questioned “why me”, something that I should be grateful for, something that had closed one door but opened thousands of other doors for me, something that makes me special, something that changes my life so much and not worth complaining, whining or crying. I always believe that something good can come out of anything, in my case, out of this virus inside me. My status does not reduce my dignity and who are you to judge? Only God can judge me! Being HIV negative does not make someone a saint, and being HIV positive does not remotely make someone a sinner.

With or without HIV, people have to live positively. But me… I’m special. I’m HIV positive, so what???

However, I thank all my best friends who never leave my side after knowing my status and always give me the most-needed support: Friendship; Dian, Eddoy, Mahen, Eko, Bimbim, Nita, Like, Reza, Diana, Nenon, Yadi, Dini, Shanty, Linda, Ina, Jerome, Andy. God bless you all for your open-mindedness.