Living positively

My life had been changed a lot since I found out that I’m HIV positive. The good thing is, the change is not directed towards the negative way. I’m also quite surprised that I didn’t get into that so-called-mushy phase that all women [even men!] were getting. Maybe because I have different principle, I always thought from the first time, that being mushy, depressed as well as questioning “why me?’ will not make my result changed to ‘non-reactive’. I will be still positive, so why bother?

When I work as a Case Manager, I assisted many clients who were newly diagnosed and very much depressed. I tried so hard to make them understand that it is such a useless attitude. I opened my status to all my clients, and show them how healthy and happy I am, hoping that they will do the same as I did. But, it’s a matter of privacy. As long as they don’t accept their condition, then it’s hard.

For me, being HIV positive had opened so many doors and opportunities. I got so many chances to learn through various workshop which are exclusively only for HIV positive people. And most of my workshops are regional, so it took place in other country. Also I got chances to be speaker in various events, meet new people, became a member of new networks and able to expand. Some of my friends always send me envious messages, saying how lucky I am to be able to travel and work at the same time. They are always waiting for my latest posting in this blog or new picture posted in friendster, just to keep track on me. After all, they are happy for me.

There were times when all my friends thought that I should be resting a lot. That was what they were thinking when I was resigning from my previous company. That I had to rest. But when they found out about my new job and how frequent I traveled, they were amazed. How can a positive person traveling so much…? Well, don’t mind them. They just don’t really understand the real situation of a positive person. But they finally realized that being HIV positive, I can be as much productive as they are, even more! And I’m proud enough to show them that I am still productive and been traveling 9 times a year. Something that I wouldn’t be able to do so if I’m still working in private sector.

I recall my chat with one of my friend back in 2004. He was an NGO worker, and every time we chat, he was always somewhere. Either Thailand, China, France or other part of the world. And he was always sharing the stories that he was attending this meeting, that workshop. I was amazed at that time and thought, “This is the kind of job that I’ve always wanted. A job that enables me to travel and work at the same time.” I always told him that I wanted to be like him, and he always told me that I should be able to do it someday. And just last week, I chatted again with him via YM. It’s been a long time since the last time we chatted, but to my surprise, he kept track on me through my blog. He told me that he had never failed in ‘reading’ someone, in this case, me. He said that he’s so happy and proud of me because finally I made my way to work in an NGO and able to travel and work at the same time. Just like he did! And even better, now we can share something in common because we’re both working in an NGO.

One of my best friends asked me once, “Have you ever been discriminated or stigmatized because of your status?”. I said, “No”. Maybe I have, but I didn’t realize it. For sure, my friends, none of them changed the relationship after I told them about my status. I opened my status to anyone I want. And should there be any changes after I told them, I just consider they don’t like me. Everybody has the right to like and dislike other people, and should it happen to me, I’m not in the position to complain. I just have to respect their decision. That’s it! It’s that simple and it makes my life lighter. I am not haunted by the negative accusation to people around me. I am fully aware that most of the time those who are positive did the most discrimination and stigmatization against their surrounding or even worse, against themselves. They always think that people will discriminate them, but they never tried to open before they have that conclusion. Doesn’t it mean that they had stigmatized people around them? I don’t recall any discrimination or stigmatization after I told people about my status. It’s the openness that we need to be accepted. To fight stigma and discrimination, I have to be open to my surrounding. And it works! In my opinion, the more people hear the word “HIV positive” and see HIV positive person [in healthy condition], the more they got familiar with the issue, thus the more they accept us. I don’t agree with all the confidentiality and discreet in HIV. It makes people scared because it’s so well-hidden. Why can’t HIV treated as other disease? Openly. So, that people got used to it and don’t consider it as something deadly. It’s not deadlier than diabetic, heart disease, stroke or asthma. For me, bird flu is way much scarier than HIV. People died within a week from bird flu! Isn’t that what we should call “deadly”?

So, being HIV positive isn’t that bad at all! I feel it personally, if I accept my condition humbly, without blaming whoever inherit it to me, I will get the redemptions twice or even hundreds of time as much in return. And I have proven that my principle is right! For me, this virus is a blessing in disguise. Something that I shouldn’t questioned “why me”, something that I should be grateful for, something that had closed one door but opened thousands of other doors for me, something that makes me special, something that changes my life so much and not worth complaining, whining or crying. I always believe that something good can come out of anything, in my case, out of this virus inside me. My status does not reduce my dignity and who are you to judge? Only God can judge me! Being HIV negative does not make someone a saint, and being HIV positive does not remotely make someone a sinner.

With or without HIV, people have to live positively. But me… I’m special. I’m HIV positive, so what???

However, I thank all my best friends who never leave my side after knowing my status and always give me the most-needed support: Friendship; Dian, Eddoy, Mahen, Eko, Bimbim, Nita, Like, Reza, Diana, Nenon, Yadi, Dini, Shanty, Linda, Ina, Jerome, Andy. God bless you all for your open-mindedness.

Soeharto died... so what?

Kuala Lumpur, January 27th, 2008

Soeharto died. So, I heard this afternoon from my husband. Well, maybe it’s about time. He’s pretty old already in my opinion. Since I don’t have a TV, I don’t know how is the reaction in the country. But I know that when he was first delivered to the hospital this month, there was a protest, asking the government to proceed on his case, while on the other hand, SBY was thinking about forgetting everything.

I’m not his follower. I don’t really put my symphaty for him either. I mean, I don’t vote for any of the presidents at all. I just try to be realistic. If it wasn’t for Soeharto, Indonesia wouldn’t be as much developed as now anyway, despite the corruption he and his clan did. So, I guess forgetting everything isn’t so bad in term of decision. Maybe SBY just want to be thankful for what Soeharto did for the country. After all, he’s just an old man [and now he’s a dead man!]. He deserves to redeem his life and the situation was already quite difficult for him after he was forced to step down.

Regardless of his corruptive way of life, I feel that everything was easier back then. Not much of riots and chaos. Everything was pretty much under [his] control. As a child, back then, I didn’t feel any fear. Now, all parents are afraid that something bad might happen on the street. All parents become quite protective to their children because the criminality that happens under their nose is unbearable.

I feel sorry for SBY. He’s a good and gentle military man with clean track records. But he just happened to be at the wrong time and wrong place. I mean, since he becomes the president, many tragedy happened. The tsunami, earthquakes, flood, fire, plane crashes, boat accidents, decreasing economy situation and not to mention the so-called mud flood. And everybody was putting the blame on him. That is just ridiculous! All those things are what we usually call force majeur. Something that is unavoidable. In fact, it was accumulated side effects of what people had done to earth. That filthy habit of throwing garbage just about anywhere, including to the river and gutter, for some decades are actually the root of the flood problem. The raise of sea and ocean surface is caused by the global warming because people are just not aware of it. Those things are nature-caused things and you can just put the blame on the president! He’s not responsible for all those things. Then, people were starting to blame him for the slow follow ups. But, come on, man… he’s just a man and he can’t do everything at once! This is also the not-so-good characteristic of Indonesian. Always asking for pity and help, and too lazy to stand up on their own feet.

Another thing is the economic situation in Indonesia. People are expecting instant result, which is impossible. There’s no way that the economic recovery will be shown in only 5 years unless we are all working hard with discipline like the Japanese. Sometimes I thought, if those people are so smart, so that they can protest and tell the president what to do, why don’t they become the president?

But I always remember what my father told me, “Only a very good leader gets as much trials.” So, I guess SBY must be a good one since he faced so much trouble from the very start. Who knows? I always thought that he’s the Satria Piningit. The chosen knight.

Sunday Bloody Sunday!

So, this is Sunday and I tried to hard to get up as late as I could. But I wasn’t really succeeded because I woke up at 7.30 AM. Well, only an hour later than usual. And 7.30 AM here is so…. Dark! It looked like it was still 5 AM or something. But I know that 7.30 PM here is also so…. Bright! Like it’s still 3 or 4 PM or so. The first thing that I did was to open my balcony door and let the fresh air flows in. I also opened the front door so the air can really flow in and out. It was nice, though. Cool and I could feel some morning breeze. Some birds were even singing. I love this place! This place is just perfect. I can find just about everything across the street here. Food, hairdresser, electronic shop, laundry, supermarket, clinics, convenient store, book store, fashion house, pharmacist as good as Guardian, Watsons and Caring, house ware store, banks [with ATM, of course!], gas station, hospital, optic, and even car showroom and repairing outlets! The only thing that I couldn’t find here is my family. My husband and my daughter.

As soon as I woke up the first wish was that I wanted today gets dark as soon as possible. Of course that wish was not granted at all! So, I tried to delay everything. I had a very slow morning activities. Woke up slowly, tried to linger a bit more in my bed. Go down and get myself some milk and drank it in a really slow way. Opened all doors, then sat on the sofa and let my mind wander somewhere else. I have no newspaper, so I took my book. The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho. Too bad I’ve read most of it and left only a few pages [which was completely finished after 15 minutes of intense reading].

After finishing my drink, I decided to go back to my room upstairs and slept some more. I did! But only 15 minutes or so. My brain was not very cooperative, even though I told myself that I’m still tired from yesterday’s walk in the park. So, I had no choice but getting up. I decided to clean the house, even though I know cleaning the house wouldn’t take the whole day. Well, so cleaned the house. Mopped the floor, scrubbed it, wiped it, polished it. Then I went to the bathroom. I cleaned the whole bathroom. Scrubbed the floor and the walls, polished the walls, cleaned the toilet bowl. After that, I went down to the kitchen and started the general cleaning there. Apparently the general cleaning took about 2 hours or so [my apartment isn’t that big]. I sat down feeling exhausted, but when I looked to the clock, I was quite happy because it was already noon.

Reality Bites!
Kuala Lumpur, 19 January 2008

Today is Saturday. Weekend is a dilemmatic time for me. I love it because then I have time to rest, clean the house, do some shopping and lingering for the whole day long. But I also hate it because then and only then I feel the loneliness most. Every evening when I open the door of my dark apartment I already feel the loneliness is grabbing me. But at least I worked during the day and spent quality time with my laptop and my friends at the office. During the weekend, the loneliness got worsened because I have to spend the whole 2 days in a row alone.

Today I went to Taman Tasik Perdana with Dorien. It was quite good because then I have something to do during the day. the park is huge and beautiful. It consisted of the Lake Garden [Taman Perdana], Dr. Tun Abdul Razak Memorial Park, Butterfly Park [Taman Rama-Rama], Bird Park [Taman Burung], Islamic Park, Orchid Park [Taman Orkid] and Hibiscus Park [Taman Bunga Raya]. We didn’t enter the bird park because the ticket is RM 35. That is just too much. We didn’t enter the butterfly park either because the ticket was RM 17. We went to Taman Orkid and Taman Bunga Raya because the ticket was more reasonable, only RM 1. And indeed it was a beautiful lush place. We can even spot some monkeys on the trees! It is wonderful that Malaysia preserve such a huge jungle in the heart of the city. The park is really in the city. It’s near Padang Merdeka and we can walk up to the Pasar Seni. I took some pictures of the orchid and hibiscus in the park. My uncle will love it!

Since it was a huge park, and we walked from one end to another. My feet hurt as soon as I came home. And then again, the loneliness bit me. I slept to kill time [I was tired anyway] and woke up at 5 PM and rushed myself to go and get my laundry. Every time I am home, I feel so lonely. This is the reality I have to face for the rest of the year [maybe more!]. It bites! Reality really bites me this time. The fact that I had a good time last night in Pasar Malam across the street or the park which was very much of a beauty doesn’t really comfort me. I miss my family. My husband. My daughter. My house. The streets of my city. Everything! The fact that I have much more facility here [except the TV] doesn’t really cast the lonely feeling away. Maybe I should get a TV, so that I can watch something. I only brought 2 books from Indonesia and all finished within 2 weeks of my stay here. I regret myself that I didn’t bring more books with me. Maybe a TV is a good idea. Maybe I should buy a cheap one next month regardless the fact that I can always survive without TV. Or I should also consider to register at one fitness center nearby so that I can spend the whole afternoon working out and coming home feeling so exhausted and go straight to bed. Well, I can always work on the proposal besides cleaning the apartment over the weekend though… hahaha! That sounds pathetic, right?

So, to spend the rest of the evening, I managed pamper myself by scrubbing my whole body. Having such a long and clean bath. As long as I could. This is also a bit pathetic for me. And I’m still thinking of what should I do tomorrow. It’s Sunday. I may clean the house in the morning, have a long bath and wash my hair. Dry up my hair and flatten it smoothly, go and get something for lunch. But then again the late afternoon and the evening will be spent full of emptiness. Fffiuhhhh…. Reality DOES bite!

About being an Indonesian expat in Malaysia

Last week I decided to open a bank account for my payroll needs. So, I went to the nearest regional bank to process a new account opening. The customer service recognized me as a foreigner and was asking for my passport. Luckily, Val had already told me what to bring, so I was fully prepared with my expat ID card, passport and Letter of Appointment from my institution. I handed my passport and my expat ID card to her. So, the customer service was asking a lot of questions and examining my passport until the smallest details. She was also checking all the visas in it, and said that I have been quite to some places in Asia. I just smiled. Then, she was asking about the company I work with, the address, the field of work, designation and others. I answered all of her questions. She was not really speaking nicely while asking questions and I felt more like I was being interrogated. She called to my office to reconfirm about my status in the institution. She was also looking to the passport picture and tried to compare with my real look several times. From her expression, I could see that she doubted me. She asked why do I want to open a bank account. Well, that’s funny, I thought, of course I want to have my salary posted in that account! Later on, she asked for the document from the institution. So, I handed her my LoA where my salary is stated. Then soon after she saw the amount of my salary, she started to speak nicer to me and even put a smile on her face. This was just ridiculous for me, but I said nothing. Just smiled [again].

Maybe she figured out my thought, because soon after, she explained, “It is very rarely to see Indonesian expatriate here in Malaysia. Especially in a such young age like you. Most of Indonesians are domestic worker or construction worker. And you’ve got a good amount of payment here. You must be a very important person and well-selected one. I’m impressed!” Well, so am I! I am totally impressed [in a bad way] with her statement. Seemed like, in her head, the only room for Indonesian is to be domestic worker or construction worker! That is quite an inhuman statement, I guess. But then again, I said nothing. Just smiled [again]. I felt like a champion after I completed the whole process.

When I told my friends in the office about this, they were all upset. Discrimination. That was the first word that came out. Well, it was some sort of discrimination and stereotyping one nationality. But at the end of the day I was glad I had that experience. At least I showed the people in that bank that Indonesians are not always domestic worker or construction worker in Malaysia.

The Loneliest Birthday Ever!

This is just the loneliest birthday I've ever had in my life....

I am all alone in this foreign country with tons of works to do; had a SMS fight with my husband; miss my daughter so much; feel deserted and unappreciated...

I feel like breaking down and cry at anytime now. Thank God, this loads of work is saving me...!

Well, I'm a workaholic after all and it's going to be like that forever...