Aku mencari cinta, dalam setiap tetes air hujan yang turun. Butiran kecil dan besar yang bening kebiruan itu semua membisu. Tak satupun jawab aku dapati. Tiap rinai meluncur turun ke bumi dalam kebisuan. Hanya ada suara percik mereka ketika menjemput tanah. Mungkin cinta memang tak ada di dalam mereka. Mungkin mereka memang tak punya cinta. Lalu, di manakah cinta harus aku cari…

Aku mencari ketulusan, dalam desau angin senja yang berhembus. Namun mereka berlalu begitu saja tanpa memberiku seuntai jawab. Tiap hembus datang dan pergi tanpa pesan tentang ketulusan. Hanya ada gemerisik suara ilalang bergesekan ketika mereka terlewati oleh angin. Mungkin ketulusan memang tak ada di dalam mereka. Mungkin mereka memang tak punya ketulusan. Lalu, di manakah ketulusan harus aku cari…

Aku mencari kedamaian, dalam tetes embun pagi. Namun butiran embun meluncur pergi dari dedaunan tanpa memberiku jawab. Yang tertinggal hanya kilaunya ketika bersentuhan dengan sinar matahari. Mungkin kedamaian memang tak ada di dalam mereka. Mungkin mereka memang tak punya kedamaian. Lalu, di manakah kedamaian harus aku cari…

Aku mencari kerinduan, dalam harum aroma tanah basah sehabis hujan. Namun harum tanah basah itu berangsur hilang seiring datangnya matahari. Mereka menguap tanpa memberiku jawab. Mungkin kerinduan memang tak ada di dalam mereka. Mungkin mereka memang tak punya kerinduan.

Aku mencari kejujuran, dalam semburat jingga langit senja. Namun semburat jingga itu kian menua dan akhirnya berganti dengan kekelaman. Mereka tenggelam dalam langit malam tanpa memberiku jawab. Mungkin kejujuran memang tak ada di dalam mereka. Mungkin mereka memang tak punya kejujuran.

Aku mencari… dan mencari. Namun tak ada yang memberiku jawab. Dan rongga jiwaku pun terasa semakin melebar. Menyisakan lubang yang menganga, penuh kehampaan. Aku ingin mengisi rongga itu, tapi aku tak bisa menemukan apa yang seharusnya tertuang ke dalamnya. Maka hampa itu masih bersarang hingga kini. Membunuh semua yang pernah singgah ke dalam hatiku. Mengikis dinding jiwaku perlahan setiap detik.

Tak ada lagi cinta, ketulusan, kerinduan dan kejujuran yang tersisa di dunia ini untukku. Mungkinkah itu jawab yang sebenarnya atas pencarianku?

[Lembang – 29 April 2007]

Aku Selalu Tahu

Aku selalu tahu, bahwa jika aku bekerja dengan sepenuh hati, maka aku akan mendapatkan kepuasan dalam bekerja. Dan aku juga tahu, jika aku mencintai pekerjaanku atau apapun yang aku tekuni, maka aku akan mampu mengatasi segala kendala yang datang. Aku tahu, apa yang aku lakukan sekarang ini adalah apa yang telah lama menjadi cita-cita idealisku. Tapi ternyata di luar dugaan, aku juga menyimpan benih-benih kekecewaan. Dulu aku memiliki abstraksi sendiri tentang pekerja LSM. Aku bermimpi akan bertemu dengan orang-orang yang memiliki idealisme tinggi, bekerja dengan hati, penuh devosi dan tanggung jawab moral. Namun ternyata aku harus mengubur abstraksi itu dalam-dalam, karena ternyata sebagian besar dari mereka tidak seperti apa yang aku bayangkan.

Aku meninggalkan dunia bisnis karena aku merasa dunia itu penuh dengan kemunafikan dan materialisme. Belum lagi tekanan-tekanan dari pekerjaan yang kejar deadline. Aku berharap bisa menemukan atmosfer yang berbeda dengan menjadi pekerja LSM. Ternyata, aku dihadapkan pada sebuah kenyataan yang sangat mencengangkan. Tidak ada yang bekerja dengan idealisme dan tanpa materialisme. Semua orang seolah bekerja untuk mencari keuntungan pribadi. Mereka semua mencari celah untuk mendapatkan keuntungan bagi dirinya sendiri. Benar-benar bukan mentalitas pekerja LSM yang ada dalam benakku selama ini.

Lalu aku jatuh ke dalam jurang kekecewaan. Kecewa karena ternyata dunia baru yang aku masuki tak ada bedanya dengan dunia bisnis yang penuh dengan persaingan kotor dan materialisme. Mereka tak lagi bekerja dengan idealisme. Mereka bekerja untuk materialisme dan membusungkan dada mereka yang diberi papan nama “AKTIVIS”. Papan nama yang mereka pasang sendiri, bukan hasil penghargaan orang lain. Mereka bekerja dengan meminta pengakuan dan penghargaan ataupun rasa hormat dari orang lain. Mereka tidak sadar bahwa penghargaan dan rasa hormat bukan lah sesuatu yang bisa mereka minta dari orang lain. Siapa pun tidak berhak untuk meminta orang lain memberikan penghargaan atau rasa hormat. Penghargaan dan rasa hormat adalah sesuatu yang kita dapatkan sebagai bonus dari apa yang telah kita lakukan. Aku tidak wajib memberikan penghargaan dan rasa hormat kepada siapa pun. Aku hanya akan memberikan penghargaan dan rasa hormatku kepada orang yang memang layak menerimanya. Sayang, orang-orang di sekitarku begitu tergila-gila dengan hal itu, hingga mereka berani mengemis, meminta orang lain untuk menghargai dan menghormati mereka…! Pathetic… so shallow…

Aku masih bekerja dengan sepenuh hati. Dan aku juga masih mencintai pekerjaanku. Tapi aku kecewa karena aku tidak mampu membangun idealisme bagi orang-orang di sekitarku. Mereka masih penuh rasa takut dan hutang budi. Berusaha terlihat berjiwa sosial dengan menjadi Robin Hood. Bagiku, merampok adalah merampok. Tidak peduli hasil rampokan itu diserahkan kepada orang miskin atau digunakan sendiri. Jika kita memang tidak mampu memberi makan orang lain, kita tidak perlu mencuri dari orang lain hanya demi sepotong rasa terima kasih dari orang yang memang lapar. Itu sama saja membodohi. Mengapa kita harus melakukan itu semua? Apakah karena gila pujian? Gila good image? Gila heroic image? Atau sebenarnya karena memang belum memiliki jati diri yang utuh? Aku tidak tahu. Aku tidak bisa mengerti. Mengapa kita harus membodohi orang lain demi mendapatkan nama baik?

Aku masih bekerja dengan idealismeku sendiri. Meskipun aku dikelilingi orang-orang munafik yang melabeli diri mereka sebagai pekerja LSM, tetapi lebih suka pergi ke sebuah pertemuan yang memberikan penggantian uang transport dengan jumlah lumayan, daripada menghadiri pelatihan yang tidak memberikan uang saku bagi pesertanya. Aku harus bekerja di tengah orang-orang berpikiran picik dan sempit. Orang-orang yang mengaku aktivis, tapi menolak dengan seribu satu alasan ketika diminta untuk menghadiri aksi solidaritas yang mengharuskan mereka merogoh koceknya sendiri.

Aku masih bekerja dengan idealismeku, meskipun aku kecewa. Aku harus bekerja di tengah-tengah orang yang tidak mengerti manajemen organisasi tapi bertingkah seolah mereka yang paling pintar. Aku kecewa karena aku harus menutupi perbuatan brengsek orang-orang yang telah menebarkan publisitas negatif di luar. Dan aku hanya bisa menelan ludah ketika caci maki terhadap orang-orang itu disampaikan kepadaku. Aku harus bekerja dengan orang-orang yang tidak mampu menjaga kelakuan mereka dan akhirnya melemparkan getahnya kepadaku. Aku tidak mengerti, bagaimana mereka dengan seenaknya mencoreng wajah mereka sendiri sekaligus wajah teman-temannya. Aku tidak habis pikir, bagaimana mereka bisa berkelakuan begitu tidak terarah sehingga melakukan hal-hal yang bertentangan dengan pekerjaan mereka.

Aku masih mencintai pekerjaanku, meskipun aku kecewa. Karena ternyata orang-orang di sekitarku tak punya nyali dan lebih suka play safe demi menyelamatkan their own ass! Mereka tak punya nyali, tapi berlagak jadi orang yang paling berani. Berlagak menjadi orang yang telah melakukan perubahan besar. Padahal aku tak melihat hasil yang signifikan! Bahkan mereka bicara dengan bahasa yang seringkali tidak aku mengerti. So typical of Indonesian. Berbunga-bunga dan tidak bisa to the point!

Aku akan terus bekerja dengan idealismeku, meskipun ada orang-orang yang merasa terancam dengan keberadaanku. Mereka yang merasa aku telah memotong jalur mereka. Mereka yang tidak pernah melakukan apa-apa tapi ingin diperhitungkan. Mereka yang tidak mau maju selangkah tapi tidak suka ketika orang lain berani mengambil resiko untuk maju selangkah. Mereka yang ingin diperhitungkan, tapi berdiskusi pun tak becus! Mereka yang selalu mengkambinghitamkan kelebihan yang aku miliki.

Aku sebenarnya sudah cukup muak. Tapi aku ingin menunjukkan kepada orang-orang itu, bahwa begini lah yang harus mereka lakukan sejak dulu jika ingin maju dan diperhitungkan. Aku muak! Tapi aku belum mau berhenti. Tidak sebelum mereka memberikan pengakuan bahwa apa yang mereka kerjakan selama ini adalah munafik…!

[Lembang – 30 April 2007]

belakangan ini, tepatnya beberapa bulan ini gue ngerasa nggak produktif banget [kayaknya udah pernah ya... nulis yang kayak gini? apa belom?]. gue nggak punya output berupa tulisan yang beres. nggak ada puisi yang gue bikin. padahal dulu dalam sehari gue bisa bikin minimal 10 puisi [panjang atau pendek kan bukan jadi masalah!]. tapi sekarang nggak ada sama sekali. gue jadi sedikit frustrasi.... huhhh...

kalo diinget-inget, gue sangat produktif kalo gue lagi sedih, kesepian, sendirian atau gelisah. apa kalo sekarang gue nggak produktif itu tandanya gue nggak sedih, nggak kesepian dan nggak ngerasa sendirian lagi ya...? kayaknya nggak juga deh. mungkin otak gue lagi jenuh aja sama sastra dan literatur. atau mungkin juga kerjaan gue yang sekarang cukup menyita bayak waktu dan energi gue, sampe-sampe nggak ada lagi sisa waktu dan energi buat nulis sebait atau dua bait puisi. pathetic! atau mungkin juga karena gue belakangan ini jarang baca buku, jadi jarang dapet inspirasi kali yeee....! ah, nggak tau juga deh...

gue kangen nulis lagi. tapi kalo gue pulang ke rumah, gue lebih memilih buat main sama anak gue atau istirahat daripada nulis. duh..., apa kata dunia dooong...?!!!

Tuhan, aku ingin bertanya padaMu...
apakah cinta selalu terasa begitu menyakitkan...?
apakah aku harus selalu berdamai dengan masa lalu seseorang...?
apakah aku harus mau menerima semua kegelapan yang berjalan membuntutinya...?

Tuhan, aku ingin bertanya padaMu...
masih adakah cinta Kau anugerahkan dalam hatiku...?
atau telah Kau matikan semua rasa itu kini...?
apakah aku harus selalu berjalan dalam gelap...?

Tuhan, aku ingin bertanya padaMu...
apakah aku pantas untuknya...?

Saat aku mencintai seseorang...

Saat aku mencintai seseorang, aku selalu bertanya dalam hati…

Maukah ia menemaniku menatap mentari yang tenggelam dari atas bukit?
Menikmati langit senja yang jingga keunguan sambil merasakan hembus angin di sela padang ilalang dalam diam…

Maukah ia menemaniku mengamati hujan yang turun?
Memandangi tiap tetes yang memantulkan lingkaran di genangan air…

Maukah ia memandangi bulan purnama bersamaku di tengah malam gulita yang berangin? Menatap pendar cahaya yang keperakan di sela-sela mega yang mengabu…

Saat aku mencintai seseorang, aku selalu bertanya dalam hati…

Mengapa selalu ada ragu yang membersit di sela rongga hatiku..?
Mengapa rasa takut selalu membayangi setiap langkahku…?
Mengapa gemuruh selalu menciptakan prahara dalam jiwaku…?
Mengapa lidahku tak pernah bisa mengucapkan kata cinta lagi…?

Apakah kepercayaan telah menjadi dongeng semata…?
Ataukah kejujuran sebenarnya telah mati…?
Apakah masih ada ketulusan tersisa di langit senja yang menemaniku setiap hari…?
Apakah keraguan akan larut dalam tetes air hujan yang turun membasahi pagi…?
Apakah prahara adalah kejujuran yang hakiki hari ini…?

Saat aku mencintai seseorang, aku selalu bertanya dalam hati…

Apa arti cinta sebenarnya…?
Seperti apa tubuh kejujuran yang hakiki…?
Apakah ketulusan hanya tinggal cerita indah dari masa lalu…?
Apakah menerima keburukan masa lalu seseorang adalah bagian dari ketulusan…?
Apakah mempertanyakan kesungguhan cinta adalah kesalahan…?
Apakah meragukan kejujuran adalah dosa…?

Saat aku mencintai seseorang, aku selalu bertanya dalam hati…

Apakah dia adalah milikku sepenuhnya…?
Apakah dia memilikiki sepenuhnya…?
Apakah aku benar-benar ada dalam ruang jiwanya…?
Apakah aku harus percaya pada dusta yang terlontar dari mulutnya…?

Apakah…
Apakah…
Apakah…
Apa…
Apa…
Apa…


[Bandung, 18 April 2007 – dengan sejumput ragu dalam hati, dengan segurat merah dalam jiwa]

Jiwaku ada di bawah naungan langit malam yang gulita...

Diterangi rembulan yang redup...

Ditemani hembus bayu yang dingin...

Aku hanya mengenal kelam...

Anyer Trip - 11 - 13 April 2007

kantor - ATM BCA - tol pasteur - tol cipularang - tol merak-tangerang - cilegon barat - ayam goreng cianjur I - anyer - Pondok Layung - masuk kamar - beberes - pantai - pantai - pantai - pantai - sunset berawan - fofotoan - berenang di kolam renang - balik ke kamar - leyeh-leyeh - mandi - beberes - berangkat cari makan malem - kesasar - kelewatan - muter lagi - sampai di tempat makan - nunggu waiters - pesen makanan - main truth or dare - main truth or dare - minuman dateng - truth or dare - truth or dare - truth or dare - makanan dateng [akhirnya] - makan besar - ngerokok - fofotoan - kekenyangan - balik ke hotel buru-buru [obat nggak dibawa] - santai dulu di hotel - bobo ahhh.... sambil denger suara ombak.

bangun - sarapan - jalan-jalan ke carita - mendung - hujan gerimis - hujan gede - panaaasss - kena razia polisi - kesasar sampe labuan - balik lagi - brenti beli minum - brenti di karang bolong tapi nggak jadi - ke cilegon - cilegon supermall - makan di KFC - belanja sedikit di ramayana - pulang ke hotel - masuk kamar - ganti baju - ke pantai - pantai - pantai - pantai - banana boat - banana boat - bantuin narik jaring nelayan - sunset agak berawan - balik ke kamar - mandi - beberes tempat - beberes cucian piring - eva sama bule beli makanan - makan bareng di cottage-nya anak cowok - santai-santai dulu - ke cottage cewek buat sharing feeling - sharing feeling ceuceurikan - selesai sahraing hugging each other - disco time - bobo lagi...

bangun - sarapan - ke pantai - pantai - mengubur moel di pasir - fofotoan hari terakhir - main-main air - beberes kamar - beberes barang - loading ke mobil - foto-foto di depan hotel - berangkat yuuuk - karang bolong - fofotoan - berangkat lagi yuuuk - makan siang di tempat makan sate - brenti beli oleh-oleh dulu - brenti beli minum dan beli rokok dulu - tol merak-jakarta - tol jakarta - tol cipularang - rest area Starbucks - tol cipularang - tol padalarang barat - tol pasteur - kantor...!!!

Bangkok Trip 2007 - Building Capacity in Advocacy for Women

Cengkareng, Sunday, 25 March 2007

So, today we have to fly to Bangkok. I met Fenica last night at the Plaza Semanggi. Frika introduced us while I was meeting Lette. I made contact with Rezer this morning on my way to the airport. She’s already there! She was trying to find Theresia, and in fact, she thought she saw someone who might be her but she didn’t had the guts to approach.

I’ m dropped at the Mac Donald’s, our meeting point. That’s where I set myself some fries and coke for breakfast. Then I rang Rezer again, telling her I was already there. Not long after, she came along with her family. She told me that Theresia might be inside but there was a man with her, so she doubted that the woman was Theresia. Fenica came later. She said Theresia called her at 5.30 AM, telling her that she was already at the Mac Donald’s! my goodness! I think we agreed to meet at 9 AM today! We were all trying to call Theresia but her cell phone couldn’t be reached. Until finally Fenica could reach her and told her that we are all waiting at the Mac Donald’s. We were all reliefed to know that she was coming over.

We decided to check in at 10.30 AM. So, we found ourselves walking along the departure hall, trying to find check in counter number 47 for Thai Airways. We walked until it comes to an end and then we realized that we mistaken the number. We should check the number that shows on the screen, but in fact, we looked at the number on the board! No wonder that we got lost so far! Finally, we found the right counter and queued. After checking in the luggage, we manage ourselves to have some coffee at the OhLaLa Café, while trying to get to know each other better.

We boarded ourselves at 12 noon. I sat on the plane with Theresia. I told her to try to get some sleep since she was hanging around the airport from 5.30 AM and she was not feeling very well. She had cold. Cough and runny nose. Thank God it was a direct flight, but the food was not so good. Emirates is still the best.

We landed safely at the Svarnabhumi Airport. We queued up for the entry permit and wait for the luggage for almost an hour! Then, we managed ourselves to get into the public taxi area down stairs and get a taxi to drop us at the Rembrandt Hotel at Sukhumvit Soi 18. It’s quite far from Sukhumvit Soi 3, where I stayed last time. But Rembrandt has a nicer neighbourhood, nicer building, nicer room. I hope the food also better here. I tried to get us stay on the same floor, just to ease the coordination between us. Too bad Ikha has not come because she had direct flight from Denpasar, so I doubt that she would stay on the same floor with the rest of us.

We rested for about 2 hours, then at 7 PM we all went out to get something to eat. We ate noodles. It was fair enough eventhough it wasn’t as good as the one I had on Nana Nua. Well, what more can you ask…? I mean, the hotel is nicer now, but you certainly have sacrifice something to get a better thing in your life. When I just got back to the hotel and entered my room, I met Lan, the translator from Vietnam. She was staying on the same floor as mine.

I heard that there was a riot in Bangkok towards the ex Prime Minister Takshin. He was accused of corruption from unpaid tax, but as usual, I didn’t see any threat of staying in Bangkok.


Bangkok, Monday, 26 March 2007

I met Maricon and Neri over breakfast. Also I met Princey and Susan. It’s good to see old friends around. Especially when there are not much of a chance to meet them everyday. We made fun to each other and really looked forward to the workshop. Oh, by the way, the breakfast here is marvelous!!!

The session went well today, but the room arrangement was not nice. It was round table, we actually prefer to sit on the floor like the previous one. But anyway, it was great. I almost couldn’t remember that I got bored.

This afternoon, during the tea break, Rachel told me that the lunch in this hotel is great. And I saw by the lunch time… it was really great! The variety, the taste, everything was incredible! Much much better than the previous hotel. Also the tea and coffee break. They provide at least 15 kinds of tea and the coffee is always freshly brewed for each person.

In the evening, we went out together for a dinner cruise at the Chao Phraya river. USAID had booked 1 boat for us to have dinner on. It was very crowded. Apparently, this dinner cruise is a favorite tourist attraction. The food was great and we sang and danced together. Maricon, Kiren, Susan and I were dancing like crazy! We sang to the karaoke and we didn’t even let the boat singer to sing! Not even a song! Hahaha! I sang “Copacabana”, Maricon sang several songs and Susan sang her own “I will survive” song. Then we all sing and dance to the song “YMCA”. I think our boat eventually turned to some sort of discotheque and everybody was dancing like crazy to the song “Dhoom Machale”, an Indian disco song that hits today. Susan even did the break dance! It was obvious that everyone on the boat needed a party. A good one!

We went back to the hotel at 10.30 PM and we all had so much fun that we were so worn out!


Bangkok, Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Today’s session was a bit deeper and more serious. But did ok. Rachel was not coming, she had a bad cold since the first day she got here. Poor Rachel. She missed the dinner cruise and she had to stay in the room today. Time flew away and suddenly it was over! We planned to go to Suan Lum Night Bazaar tonight because the place will be closed down next month, so this might be our last chance to visit the place. We arranged to go by MRT [subway] together with the Malaysians. So the group was Fenica, Rezer, Thesye, Ikha, Shanti, Shalina, Jamaliyah, Kiren and me. It’s good that everybody was agree to take the MRT because it’s much much cheaper and faster. No traffic jam, for sure.

We got off at the Lumphini station just by the night bazaar. We decided to split and meet again at 8 PM by the Rue de Paris ferris wheel. Everybody was shopping like crazy. I just bought a pair of sandals, silk Thai for my mom, a butterfly shirt and a pair of a very nice shoes for myself. Rezer was crazy. She shopped a lot! We went around the place until it was time to meet the Malaysians. After meeting them, we decided to had lunch at the center food court. We were exhausted and very hungry.

The Malaysians decided to went back to the hotel right away after dinner, while we were still looking for some things around. Finally, we went back to the hotel at around 10.30 PM by the MRT. Rezer was obviously worn out. She could hardly walk, but she looked pretty satisfied with the shopping. Thesye, Rezer and I went straight to the hotel, while Fenica, Shanti and Ikha stopped by the massage to have a Thai massage experience.

I entered my room exhaustedly and manage myself to soak in the hot tub with aromatherapy to calm myslef down. Today was really great, except for the sore feet!


Bangkok, Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Today’s session was a bit more serious. Rachel, Susan and I had a little chat over cigarette by the tea break. Rachel had to leave early tomorrow morning because she mis-booked the flight. She thought the workshop is ended today, but in fact it will be ended tomorrow. That’s a pity. Well, she got a bit bored anyway with the workshop because she’d done it already. In fact I also attended the similar workshop together with her last year! No wonder that I felt like I already knew some of the materials! Hahaha! Stupid me!

Susan wanted to have an open discussion over the last session because she felt it is important for all participants to share experience about what we had done for the women’s support groups in our country. Throughout the discussion, other country might can learn something from other country’s achievement. So, that was what happened next. We had an open discussion about the women’s support groups in our country. And I was so happy that what we had done in Indonesia had inspired other country to start something similar. Especially Vietnam, Sri Lanka and Phillipines. Princey was sharing the experience that in Lanka Plus, most of the members are women, so she was afraid that if she forms another support group for women only, that may raise a conflict, just like what happens in India. So, I suggested her, she doesn’t have to necessarily form a new support group for women in Sri Lanka, but she can develop some programs for women within Lanka Plus. Susan also agreed with me. It felt good when you find that you had given something meaningful to other people, eventhough it’s just a simple suggestion. Especially when some other people also agee with you. That kind of feelings can never be paid with any amount of money.

Today, we were going to MBK, together with the Malaysians again. We went together by the Sky Train. It was fun because, again, no one was complaining about taking the public transportation. It’s surely goes faster without traffic jam. I really love it! I bought 2 pairs of shoes there, a tie dye shirt for Adit and a cross necklace for Steven. The situation was funny, because we always splitted up into 2 groups all the time, but we always managed ourselves to reunite somewhere. Hahaha! Shanti was coming over later to have dinner together. We were all so worn out and hungry [again!]. at first, I was aiming for the delicious traditional cookies there which I don’t know the name! so I headed up to the upper floor with Fenca to buy them. The taste is always makes me want to come again and have it!

At 8.30 PM we decided to stop shopping and get something to eat. We took the Sky Train to Nana Nua to have something to eat. We ate at the noodle corner where Ikha and Shanti had. It was a nice spot. And some black guy had set his eyes on Thesye! Wow!! Not long after we finished our dinner, he came over to our table and try to make conversation with Thesye. Then, he started to interogating everyone on the table. I answered most of the time. I told him that everyone on our table was married, except Fenica, but she’s going to be married very soon. He was kind of freaked out a little bit. Then he told us that he was a marine. I snatched to him, asking how come he had a dread lock in his hair if he’s a marine. He should have a very short hair. He told us that it was only for the recruitment phase, after 3 to 5 years of working as a marine, it doesn’t matter anymore. Especially for black people like him. Yeah, right!!! We thought he was a phony. In fact, we were pretty sure that he was a phony. He said goodbye not long after.

After we finished our drinks, we decided to go back to the hotel by tuk-tuk. So, we approached to some tuk-tuk driver. I told him to drop us at “Sukhumvit Soi si peth”, it was 6 of us and he forced us into 1 tuk-tuk for THB 100. That was a very cheap price. In fact, on our way, he realized that he was mis-heard my instruction. He thought I asked him to drop us at Sukhumvit soi chi peth, Sukhumvit Soi 11. So, he was trying to get higher price. He agreed to have THB 120. He was driving like crazy! We screamed along the way, especially evertime he turned the tuk-tuk. I saw he was smiling everytime we screamed. I think he did it in purpose, to tease us. He was making a very sharp turn when entering the hotel and we were screaming like crazy. The doorgirl and the bellboy were laughing to see us that way. It was quite an experience for all of us. Scarry, but fun.


Bangkok, Thursday, March 29, 2007

Today is the last day of the workshop. I always got this funny feeling everytime we reached the last day of a workshop. Butterflies in my stomach. It’s just so sad that by the time we got along well with each other, know each other better, then it’s time to say goodbye to everyone. And we don’t know when are we going to meet again. I mean, there’s always chances, but we just never know when exactly. Rachel had gone this morning. Flew back to Singapore. The session went quite well in a serious way today. Indonesian group had made a smooth way in developing an action plan. We can consider our work was the best we done during the workshop. We’re quite proud of ourselves.

I’m glad that Indonesian participants are quite active during the workshop. It’s just nice to see people from different country who doesn’t speak the same language can be united in one room and share thoughts. There were no bburdens. The language burden has always been under control and being overcome with. I just miss the wild discussion we used to had during the workshop [among Indonesian participants]. During the exercise of developing an action plan, I was pushing myself to help others to understand how to do it. It wasn’t easy. I even couldn’t do it very well at the first place. And I’m not good in teaching or making people undestand the way I understand things. But I was so glad that everything went smoothly.

After the session was over, we took some pictures with some people. Everyone was definitely photo freaks! And then, Princey approached. Princey doesn’t speak English very well. In fact, she can hardly sepaking it, but she’s always trying her best. She asked me whether I will be going for ICAAP8 or not. I told her that I have submitted my abstract but I haven’t got any reply and I’m not sure that my recommendation letter was received on time before the closing date, since I had to mail it [it can took a month to deliver a mail to other country and sometimes the letter got lost on its way!]. She told me that she’s one of the committee for the event and she will try to invite me, not as a participant but as a speaker! That’s even better! I’d love to be a speaker rather than a participant. Well, who doesn’t??? I’m surely hoping so much and counting so much on her. I wish that will be my chance to widen my knowledge in HIV-AIDS area.

The day ended quite in an emotional way. Susan was crying. I’m sure if Rachel’s still here, she would’ve done the same thing. I tried so hard to manage myself not to cry. I mean, we will be meeting again somewhere, somewhen. Susan was giving out a koala keychain [as usual]. But those who happened to already have one from the previous workshop was not priority. Eventually, Susan found out that the quantity of the keychain was enough for all participants. But she dropped one of the koala into a glass of water, so it was all wet. And she was telling me, “Ratri, would you mind taking the wet one?” gosh!!! Well, I took it anyway. Hahahaha! One of thing that I loved most was the moment when we took our ‘mailbox’ and see how many messages that I got, from who and what had they said about me. Those small papers are very precious for me. I always keep them.


We left the hotel at 7 PM and headed to Patpong. I’ve never been there. I really want to see that area. There are many of striptease bars over there. Hahahaha! So, the 6 of us took the Sky Train to Patpong through Sala Daeng station. We got off excitedly. Every tourist area in Bangkok are similar. But this one had a long line of sex show bars along the street. We took the liberty of take a peek to the bars while shopping on the street in front of the bars. Well, the girls were not moving in a hot way. They were just standing and make very little moves on the stage by the pole in bikini. Mostly in white bikinis. Maybe it’s because the UV lamps gives colour enhancement for white.

I bought a pair of sandals [again!], a Luis Vuitton bag and some souvenirs at the Naraya shop. Rezer also bought a bag. A nice one. Ikha and I were trying to bargain on butterfly buckled belt but the price was too high, so we didn’t buy it. After finished shopping [for the last time, since we will be leaving very early in the morning], we walked down the street and tried to find something to eat. Finally, we found a nice spot with various food choices. But we all had noodles. All this time, I kept taking pictures by myself. And Shanti now had already started to do the same thing. Hehehe! And she said it was all because of me! How dare she said that???

At 10 PM we went back to the hotel by Sky Train. We were so worn out and exhausted. Fenica, Ikha and I stopped by the salon to have some treatment. Fenica and Ikha had body massage [well, what else? Since they are massage freaks!] and I got my hair washed. I’m sure I wouldn’t be able to do it by myself in my room eventhough I don’t plan to go to sleep [I’m afraid I will get up late and miss the flight, so I’d rather sleep on the plane and at home back in Jakarta].

Our treatment finished at midnight. That was good enough, considering I’m not going to sleep tonight. We walked back to the hotel and I managed to soak myself in a hot tub. We will miss the full breakfast tomorrow morning. Oh, damn!